I love Christmas. But I occasionally find myself in a moment of loneliness in the midst of all the crowds and music and noise. When I see pictures of friends with their newborns, home just in time for Christmas; hear couples conspiring about the perfect present for each other; or catch the refrain of a song and am reminded that no-one is thinking “all I want for Christmas is you” the sparkle loses it’s shine. Being in the ever diminishing demographic of single 30-somethings can be lonely. But these moments are fleeting. I’m soon reminded of how much love surrounds me as my Mum calls to double check when my train is getting in, my brother texts to ask whether vegetarians eat gravy, and my friends email checking who is bringing the Gin at New Year. I know how lucky I am and how full of people my life is, and I was reminded of this on my last day of work before the Christmas holiday.
Ron* was a patient I had previously met in clinic. He had severe COPD and lung cancer for which he’d opted not to have treatment. He was admitted the week before Christmas with breathlessness and we were treating him for an infective exacerbation of COPD. We were fully staffed and the team had the ward under control so there was time to do what I wish we could do more often: sit and chat.
I arrive at work, and quickly check my emails on my phone before I enter the signal black hole that is the hospital where I spend my working life. The SHO is not in yet, so I persuade the ward clerk to briefly give up one of only 3 functional computers on the ward and update the patient list with the details of the 2 new patients, whose names are scrawled onto the whiteboard. I skim through their notes, and cast my eyes over them to make sure nothing urgent is required. I leave a note for the SHO requesting her to arrange some tests, before I go to the secretaries’ office to hunt for a working dictaphone and a spare tape.
I arrive in outpatient clinic 15minutes before the first patient’s appointment and turn on the PC. I find the printed lists of the expected patients and pick up the first set of notes, searching through the years of mis-filing to find the referral letter. I finally find it in between a yellowing letter from Ophthalmology in 1994 and one from General Surgery in 1990 that I’m sure was typed on a typewriter.
This closely resembles my NHS clinic computer
By the time I have read the referral letter the computer has loaded up as far as the login screen. I enter my details, listen to it whir, and watch the egg timer turn over and over. I call in the patient and start the consultation as I wait for the screenprompts to enter separate passwords for the Radiology and Pathology applications. I take a history and perform a physical examination. I finally get access to laboratory tests, but have to filter the results in several different ways to get all the results I need. I can then finally look at some recent imaging, although I can’t compare this to old xrays as they have been archived and I don’t have time to ask the computer system to retrieve them from the data store as this has all taken quite a while and there are many patients waiting in the corridor.